nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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