Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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