does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
