____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
