so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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