the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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