God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
