Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Actions speak louder than pants.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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