i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
