she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
