Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
