sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
