When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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