I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
