Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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