Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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