there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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