Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
