I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can I color on your dick again?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
