I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
