So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
