Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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