nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
