I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
