Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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