Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
