shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
