A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
