I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
