I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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