It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
where are my eyebrows?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
