My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
