I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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