He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
