Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
