but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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