I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So squirting runs in the family.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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