Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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