Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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