Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
