Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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