I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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