We won't sleep together?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
