You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it glows. i had to have it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
