I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
