So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
