1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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