omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
