i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
