I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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