My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
