just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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