I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
